In the winter of 2002, I had a dream. I was wearing a tuxedo and pacing in front of an altar. There were people present, and the groomsmen were looking on. It was my wedding, but I was pacing because it was happening too fast. I kept asking myself how I got here so soon, and what am I going to do. Then the scene panned to Kara, my wife, walking, pensively, up the isle to the altar. She had an expectant smile, one that showed hope, but one that seemed to share the same concerns of getting married too soon. Were we ready; was I ready? The dream didn't seem to tell us not to get married, but, rather, to move a little more slowly. You see, our circle of friends, at that time in our lives, were very adamant that not only do you not date without the intention to get married, but that you do not date very long at all. Any delay in the process of marriage was to delay the fulfillment of the will of God -- and who would want the will of God to be delayed? But there we were, in the dream at least, feeling the need to slow down, but feeling the pressure from friends to speed up.
Shortly after that dream, anxiety began to crept into my life. It seemed to pervade my heart and almost burn me up inside. I did many poustinias and I had a spiritual director because I needed to find out why this anxiety was happening during our engagement. Was God trying to tell me something? I continued to ask Him for some light and reprieve from the pain, but I heard nothing. His silence was deafening. There was nothing out there for me to hold onto, but I had to let go. One desire that grew during that time was that God would unite my will to His. In fact, it seemed that all I could do was pray, "I give you my will."
I did receive some consolation, though. I usually experienced it during my meetings with my spiritual director and after my poustinias. I felt that marrying Kara was the right thing to do. After all, I didn't hear any other word from God, but I did experience peace when I thought about moving forward with our plans to marry. But the desolation never stopped. It seemed like all I could do was to go forward, because it was the only thing that I knew I should be doing. We kept asking the Lord to cease our relationship if it wouldn't glorify Him, and we kept surrendering our wills to Him, but we both felt that we should continue to move forward. In fact, I should mention here that Kara's experience was completely different. She was convinced that we were following God's plan. She received visions, consolations, and confirmations that God was leading us in this direction. So we kept moving. I knew I had to move, and the only way that I could go was forward--until the Lord said otherwise.
During all this another thing that continued to grow was my desire to marry Christ. I wanted to seek Him out as my husband. I know that this may sound odd to some of you, but my heart yearned to marry Jesus Christ. I still don't understand all the implications of such a relationship, only that I wanted to become united with Christ.
Nonetheless, on our wedding day, the anxiety persisted, but it couldn't take away the fact that our wedding day was also very exciting. It was such a fun day, and it was great to see so many old friends, and meet my wife's family -- which is extremely HUGE (I still don't remember all their names)! But aside from all that, I was very aware that in marrying Kara, I was marrying Christ. That He would be my spouse, and from my spousal relationship with Him, my relationship with Kara would continue to blossom.
Showing posts with label testimony. Show all posts
Showing posts with label testimony. Show all posts
July 8, 2007
May 4, 2007
Addictions
Addictions. What are they, really? I see them as cancers that eat at our humanity until nothing is left but the drug -- whatever that "drug" may be. It's like that scripture, John 3:30: "I must decrease, He must increase." It seems that we cannot devote ourselves to a particular goal without handing over a piece of who we are. What is that now cliche scripture, "no one can serve two masters ... you must serve God or manna," pretty true isn't it? We seem to serve political paradigms, philosophies, faith, the world, self, money, morality, praise ... should I go on?
Let me share something with you: when I tried to fill my life with booze, sex, sports, and anything loud and distracting, I became more and more lonely. I really did. Looking back I could literally feel this gaping hole growing and enveloping all of who I was. I wanted peace, but all I got was angst. I became angry, alone, I lusted for more and more and more, and I was never satisfied. My life became empty, bereft of meaning and purpose. I thought the only thing left for me to do was to remain a lonely drunk. Then, out of nowhere, I saw God in the sky. I saw him in the northern lights. Not just ideologically, like "wow, nature must be made by something greater," but literally. Out of the blue, the Northern lights began to form a bunch of eyes -- in all sorts of dazzling colours. Then the eyes disappeared and an image of Mary holding the infant Jesus faded into the sky -- outlined by the Northern Lights! Then they disappeared, and an image of a dove was painted onto the sky with the Northern Lights. Soon, that image faded away, and the Northern Lights returned to their original colour and position in the sky -- the northern part (go figure!). Six months later, He spoke to me. I heard a voice inside of me, that was not my own, tell me that it loved me. The voice came from an image, a copy of a painting that some poor Polish nun composed -- a depiction of a vision that she saw, a vision of Jesus Christ.
What was significant about that voice was that it seemed to drown out every other noise that I had tried to fill my mind with. It penetrated my psyche, my intellect, and my loneliness. It offered me a choice: to "pick up my cross" and follow Christ, or not, and it was as if every single event in my life led me up to that choice. When I was confronted with it, I had a very lucid experience of viewing my entire life, and seeing it culminate to that very moment -- the moment of being confronted by Love. I said "yes," and At that moment my thirst was quenched and my longing was satisfied. That gaping hole was filled. I was filled. I wasn't empty any longer, and I knew that I had to strive to encounter Jesus Christ more intimately.
After, things weren't all that rosy. Although I had experienced many amazing supernatural things, I had to deal with the mess that was me. It was almost as if I experienced a type of detox from all the booze, sex, sports, and noise that I tried to fill that void with. It wasn't easy, and in many ways I am still experiencing that difficult and often confusing withdrawal.
I think that is what an addiction is like. It starts with a pain, a longing, and a thirst for happiness, a want to feel cool and to belong. We see on TV that sex satisfies those wants, that alcohol can make us forget, make us belong. Or if only we were rich, then we could have freedom, then we could buy anything we wanted, go anywhere and do anything -- then we would be happy. If monetary comfort, alcohol, and casual sex make us so happy, then why are we never satisfied? Addictions. They lead us away from genuine satisfaction:
If we want genuine satisfaction, then we need to hand Him not only a piece of who we are, but every fibre of our being. We need to give Him our hearts.
Let me share something with you: when I tried to fill my life with booze, sex, sports, and anything loud and distracting, I became more and more lonely. I really did. Looking back I could literally feel this gaping hole growing and enveloping all of who I was. I wanted peace, but all I got was angst. I became angry, alone, I lusted for more and more and more, and I was never satisfied. My life became empty, bereft of meaning and purpose. I thought the only thing left for me to do was to remain a lonely drunk. Then, out of nowhere, I saw God in the sky. I saw him in the northern lights. Not just ideologically, like "wow, nature must be made by something greater," but literally. Out of the blue, the Northern lights began to form a bunch of eyes -- in all sorts of dazzling colours. Then the eyes disappeared and an image of Mary holding the infant Jesus faded into the sky -- outlined by the Northern Lights! Then they disappeared, and an image of a dove was painted onto the sky with the Northern Lights. Soon, that image faded away, and the Northern Lights returned to their original colour and position in the sky -- the northern part (go figure!). Six months later, He spoke to me. I heard a voice inside of me, that was not my own, tell me that it loved me. The voice came from an image, a copy of a painting that some poor Polish nun composed -- a depiction of a vision that she saw, a vision of Jesus Christ.
What was significant about that voice was that it seemed to drown out every other noise that I had tried to fill my mind with. It penetrated my psyche, my intellect, and my loneliness. It offered me a choice: to "pick up my cross" and follow Christ, or not, and it was as if every single event in my life led me up to that choice. When I was confronted with it, I had a very lucid experience of viewing my entire life, and seeing it culminate to that very moment -- the moment of being confronted by Love. I said "yes," and At that moment my thirst was quenched and my longing was satisfied. That gaping hole was filled. I was filled. I wasn't empty any longer, and I knew that I had to strive to encounter Jesus Christ more intimately.
After, things weren't all that rosy. Although I had experienced many amazing supernatural things, I had to deal with the mess that was me. It was almost as if I experienced a type of detox from all the booze, sex, sports, and noise that I tried to fill that void with. It wasn't easy, and in many ways I am still experiencing that difficult and often confusing withdrawal.
I think that is what an addiction is like. It starts with a pain, a longing, and a thirst for happiness, a want to feel cool and to belong. We see on TV that sex satisfies those wants, that alcohol can make us forget, make us belong. Or if only we were rich, then we could have freedom, then we could buy anything we wanted, go anywhere and do anything -- then we would be happy. If monetary comfort, alcohol, and casual sex make us so happy, then why are we never satisfied? Addictions. They lead us away from genuine satisfaction:
If we want genuine satisfaction, then we need to hand Him not only a piece of who we are, but every fibre of our being. We need to give Him our hearts.
"Our Hearts are restless until they rest in you." - St. Augustine of Hippo
April 10, 2007
How We Got Married
A friend of mine asked me to share how I met my wife and how she became my wife. I actually met her when I was on outreach during bible school. The girls on my team stayed at her house and we spent a lot of time there -- they had a trampoline. I do remember meeting her and speaking with her, and I recall that there was something about her that set her apart from others, but I never dwelt on it. That was in May of 1998.
After bible school I lived as a type of missionary, off and on, until 2001. What I mean is that I had three years where I did Christian missionary work full time, and two years were spent doing retreats here and there, but not quite full time. In the fall of 2000, after a trip to Rome, I entered the seminary with the Companions of the Cross. I felt that I really had to discern the priesthood, since I wanted to give my life completely to Christ, and a few people had told me that I would make a good priest. So I checked it out. I enjoyed my time spent with the other guys in the sem. I learned how to play ping pong, and how not to cook. My time wasn't always peachy -- another gentleman and I had very similar stubborn qualities, needless to say, we clashed.
In the sem I had a chance to work on my spiritual life. I began to understand the spousal nature of my relationship with Jesus Christ, and I learned a little more about who I am. I was also introduced to the wide world of philosophy through an excellent college, College Dominicain. During my time there, I began to realize something very odd: that God wanted me to be happy. Imagine that. This God, whom we are told loves us, also wants to give us the desires of our hearts -- to make us happy here on earth. This concept was so foreign to me. I thought that I was destined to become a priest, not to become happy (the two were like a dichotomy for me).
Anyway, the people in charge of formation wisely discerned that I ought to begin thinking about leaving, about changing directions for a while and see where God might lead me. I did, and I wound up back in Radway, AB to work at the Bible School's farm as a maintenance person. That was where I met Kara.
She had received a vision that summer, before I met her, that God would bring a man into her life, and that she wouldn't need to approach him, but that he would approach her -- she told me that after we started dating. When I saw her the first time, there was something about her that made me say, "Lord, I want to marry THAT one!" So I took my time and tried to get to know as best as I could. I was well aware of the problems of infatuation, and I didn't want to make a mistake. I would often pray that the Lord would provide an opportunity for me to speak with her and get to know her better, and every time that I prayed that prayer, an opportunity knocked. For example, out of the blue she decided to eat at the Bible School farm, where I had quietly planned to have my lunch too. That is just one example, but there were many.
The next month I had decided to go to Ireland for another mission trip. Before I left, I made sure to tell her how I felt, and ask if she was interested in pursuing a relationship that might lead to marriage. The rest is history.
I will cut it short here, because this post is about to become too long. But if anyone wants to hear the rest of the story (there were a few bumps along the way), let me know, and I will post the rest.
After bible school I lived as a type of missionary, off and on, until 2001. What I mean is that I had three years where I did Christian missionary work full time, and two years were spent doing retreats here and there, but not quite full time. In the fall of 2000, after a trip to Rome, I entered the seminary with the Companions of the Cross. I felt that I really had to discern the priesthood, since I wanted to give my life completely to Christ, and a few people had told me that I would make a good priest. So I checked it out. I enjoyed my time spent with the other guys in the sem. I learned how to play ping pong, and how not to cook. My time wasn't always peachy -- another gentleman and I had very similar stubborn qualities, needless to say, we clashed.
In the sem I had a chance to work on my spiritual life. I began to understand the spousal nature of my relationship with Jesus Christ, and I learned a little more about who I am. I was also introduced to the wide world of philosophy through an excellent college, College Dominicain. During my time there, I began to realize something very odd: that God wanted me to be happy. Imagine that. This God, whom we are told loves us, also wants to give us the desires of our hearts -- to make us happy here on earth. This concept was so foreign to me. I thought that I was destined to become a priest, not to become happy (the two were like a dichotomy for me).
Anyway, the people in charge of formation wisely discerned that I ought to begin thinking about leaving, about changing directions for a while and see where God might lead me. I did, and I wound up back in Radway, AB to work at the Bible School's farm as a maintenance person. That was where I met Kara.
She had received a vision that summer, before I met her, that God would bring a man into her life, and that she wouldn't need to approach him, but that he would approach her -- she told me that after we started dating. When I saw her the first time, there was something about her that made me say, "Lord, I want to marry THAT one!" So I took my time and tried to get to know as best as I could. I was well aware of the problems of infatuation, and I didn't want to make a mistake. I would often pray that the Lord would provide an opportunity for me to speak with her and get to know her better, and every time that I prayed that prayer, an opportunity knocked. For example, out of the blue she decided to eat at the Bible School farm, where I had quietly planned to have my lunch too. That is just one example, but there were many.
The next month I had decided to go to Ireland for another mission trip. Before I left, I made sure to tell her how I felt, and ask if she was interested in pursuing a relationship that might lead to marriage. The rest is history.
I will cut it short here, because this post is about to become too long. But if anyone wants to hear the rest of the story (there were a few bumps along the way), let me know, and I will post the rest.
January 23, 2005
Conversion
Although I was raised within the Catholic Church, it wasn't until the summer of 1996 that God actually became real. I don't know why He chose that summer. I mean, it wasn't as if I never heard of Him. I went to summer camp, attended most of my religion classes, knew the priest, was a part of our church's youth group for a while, so why the summer of '96 and not sooner? Actually, there are three major events that lead up to the moment of my filial abandonment into His life. I will separate them into three different posts - just because a long, drawn-out story gets kinda boring to read after a while.
The first story happened when I was around four years old. I saw Him. Jesus entered into my life in a very profound way. My brother had just died of cancer a few months before, and we were visiting some friends of ours when Jesus decided to go for a walk.
There I was, playing with my toys, my mom was praying the rosary upstairs, when I looked at the end of the driveway and saw Jesus with my brother. They were just walking and smiling. I quickly told my mom - who informed me of the importance of going outside with my shoes on - and I ran out to meet them. By the time I ran to the end of the driveway, they were gone.
This moment has resonated throughout my life. Everytime I wanted to do something that was sinful, there was that image: Jesus on a Sunda stroll (a face to my ever-nagging concience). I would tell people the story; it inspired me to read the bible to my fellow elementary school students and to some of my friends.
High school hit and when I got involved in the "party scene" this image/vision, or whatever you want to call it, became my ticket past St. Peter's gate - just in case I happend to die or something. I saw it as my ticket because, for some reason, I thought that if I were to ever walk into the great judgment hall of God, I would be okay because He did that for me. My reasoning was that I could keep doing whatever I wanted since I was "right" with God.
That was how I lived my developing life. Presumming that God was going to let me into His kingdom simply because He went on a Sunday stroll, where I happened to be playing. As if heaven was a place for everybody - the people who hate God, the people who don't care about Him, and the people who continuously ignore His presence. In my mind, just as in the minds of the forementioned persons, there was no hell only heaven.
The thing is, and here's what was so foolish about my assumtion, why would God force me - or anyone for that matter - to do something that I didn't even want to do in the first place? Did He create robots - things, without any free will, that blindly (and without any choice of thier own) responded to electrical impulses to guide them? Or are we merely puppets? Is there nothing within our human nature that is good, or loving, or free? If we were just puppets then "love" or "goodness" would bear just as much weight as our primal instincts - in other words, tugs from the puppet cord.
Back to the question at hand: "free will" vs. "automatic entrance into heaven." A huge issue. If we truly do possess this strange gift of free will, then God cannot force us to do anything that we wouldn't normally want Him to do - like being close to Him. Why would He force me to be with Him if it is contrary to what I would have chosen in any given moment? What is heaven other then being close with our Creator and His love? Maybe a more relvent question is, what is hell other than a total separation from God and His love? So much for my presumption.
The first story happened when I was around four years old. I saw Him. Jesus entered into my life in a very profound way. My brother had just died of cancer a few months before, and we were visiting some friends of ours when Jesus decided to go for a walk.
There I was, playing with my toys, my mom was praying the rosary upstairs, when I looked at the end of the driveway and saw Jesus with my brother. They were just walking and smiling. I quickly told my mom - who informed me of the importance of going outside with my shoes on - and I ran out to meet them. By the time I ran to the end of the driveway, they were gone.
This moment has resonated throughout my life. Everytime I wanted to do something that was sinful, there was that image: Jesus on a Sunda stroll (a face to my ever-nagging concience). I would tell people the story; it inspired me to read the bible to my fellow elementary school students and to some of my friends.
High school hit and when I got involved in the "party scene" this image/vision, or whatever you want to call it, became my ticket past St. Peter's gate - just in case I happend to die or something. I saw it as my ticket because, for some reason, I thought that if I were to ever walk into the great judgment hall of God, I would be okay because He did that for me. My reasoning was that I could keep doing whatever I wanted since I was "right" with God.
That was how I lived my developing life. Presumming that God was going to let me into His kingdom simply because He went on a Sunday stroll, where I happened to be playing. As if heaven was a place for everybody - the people who hate God, the people who don't care about Him, and the people who continuously ignore His presence. In my mind, just as in the minds of the forementioned persons, there was no hell only heaven.
The thing is, and here's what was so foolish about my assumtion, why would God force me - or anyone for that matter - to do something that I didn't even want to do in the first place? Did He create robots - things, without any free will, that blindly (and without any choice of thier own) responded to electrical impulses to guide them? Or are we merely puppets? Is there nothing within our human nature that is good, or loving, or free? If we were just puppets then "love" or "goodness" would bear just as much weight as our primal instincts - in other words, tugs from the puppet cord.
Back to the question at hand: "free will" vs. "automatic entrance into heaven." A huge issue. If we truly do possess this strange gift of free will, then God cannot force us to do anything that we wouldn't normally want Him to do - like being close to Him. Why would He force me to be with Him if it is contrary to what I would have chosen in any given moment? What is heaven other then being close with our Creator and His love? Maybe a more relvent question is, what is hell other than a total separation from God and His love? So much for my presumption.
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